Thursday, May 10, 2012

Adjusting?

How are you supposed to get used to this new way of life?  Being Emily's mommy is what I am.  It's what I have been for the last 8.5 years.  Yes I am Alex's wife, and Jacob's mom.  But those things are easy and relaxing.  Being Emily's mommy meant being her nurse, caregiver, mom, tube-feeder, catheterizer, med-dispenser, suction-machiner, therapy-doer, chauffer.  So what do I do now?  I have no idea.  I get up, get Jacob off to school.  Come home and do laundry and dishes, and then what?  I watch a lot of bullshit TV that I never watched before and can't stand.  Tuesdays I go to Emily's site and get her solar lights and butterfly decoration, so that they don't get discarded Wednesday.  Wednesdays the cemetery removes all flowers and mows the lawns.  Thursday mornings I go back with new flowers and her butterfly. 



Other than that, no idea.  I don't know what to do.  I re-joined the gym, and started aqua aerobic classes again.  I am watching what I eat, and tracking my food on SparkPeople.com. 

I want to get a tattoo, of the Hello Kitty with angel wings that was on the back of Emily's funeral program. 

I have no motivation to do anything else.  I got all my scrapbooking stuff out and sorted, I need to organize it and put it away so that I can scrapbook.  But I am tired.  Just tired. 

How do you begin a new life?  I want my girl.  I am her mom.  I hate the idea of going three more weeks without her.  Three more months without her?  The next three years without her?  I don't want to meet any new people, ever ... people who will know me and never know Emily. 

I am so lucky to have Alex and Jacob.  Jacob is an amazing, tennis playing, saxaphone learning, 11 year old.  Without him, I would have no desire to keep on keeping on.  Thank heavens for Jacob.

I just want my girl back.  I never wanted this.  I never wanted to tell people that I am the mom to one on Earth and one in Heaven.  I wanted everyone to meet and know my Princess, and see her amazing smile.  I wanted to be her mom and caregiver and snuggle buddy forever.  This is not what I had planned.  :(

9 comments:

joan's blessings said...

so sorry you have to go through this sara...we miss her smile...

I Just Love You said...

i want to share this blog with you. her son passed away. he had EB. she lived the same life as you. http://randycourtneytripproth.blogspot.com/2012/05/that-cant-happen-fast-enough.html

Junior said...

Sara I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. Sending many prayers and hugs.

Kate said...

I'm so sorry, Sara. I don't have any words that will help, but I wanted you to know I'm reading, I care, and my heart hurts because you are hurting.

jocalyn said...

i have no words, but you guys have been in my thoughts :(

jane said...

My heart breaks for you. If there was something I could do to lessen the pain, I would do it. I will continue to hope for peace and healing.

Amy said...

My heart hurts and my soul aches for you. As a mama who has lost a little one herself I can say that you do learn to live around and through the pain. You become stronger. And you become a voice. Find your voice again. The world needs us. Don't let death silence it. Then it wins. Rest and be still for now but you do have a purpose. A new one. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Amy Fields amyfields417@yahoo.com

Emily Cook said...

Just found this blog.

Many prayers for you... There are no words I can say to help, but if I had them I would give them...

a stranger is praying for you tonight.

BLOOM - Parenting Kids With Disabilities said...

I'm so sad to read this. I have had your blog listed on my BLOOM blog, but hadn't visited recently and didn't realize what was happening.

There is another blogger I know who lost her daughter to a degenerative condition and writes a wonderful blog called Sunshine in a Blue Cup. She also lost her mother and sister, as well as her daughter, in a very short period of time.

She writes a lot about the grieving and healing process.

Her name is Diana Doyle and she is lovely:

http://sunshineinabluecup.blogspot.ca/

Hugs to you xo