Almost a year ....

How is it possible that we have lived almost a YEAR without our Princess?  I don't know if anyone even has my blog on their readers anymore, so maybe no one will see this.  I am thinking of starting to blog again.  About my journey on this side of the fence now.  And I would like to invite anyone that read about Emily to "like" her memorial site on Facebook as well.

https://www.facebook.com/InMemoryOfEmilyAlexisRoseEvans

Emily Evans Memorial Donation Drive

As it is

This new stage of our lives is difficult.  Trying to continue on with life, attempting to smile when all we want to do is cry.  Figuring out the answer when people ask "How are you" or the even more dreaded "How many children do you have?"  I've been asked that once so far, and my answer made the lady cry.  What a sucky thing to have to explain to someone.  What a sucky thing to have to live through.

We struggle on, daily, trying to continue with some semblance of normal.  Jacob is turning 12 in a week and a half.  He deserves parents who are able to continue living.  I am so thankful for Jacob, for all the normal reasons, and then even more so because he gives me a reason to have to keep going. 

Life is weird.  Life is hard.  Sometimes, life just plain sucks. 

There are good, positive things going on even through these times of crap.  Today was the last day of school.  Jacob, who will be 12 next week, is officially a 7th grader now.  Yay!  He is doing so well.  He continues to take tennis lessons, and will attend a tennis academy this summer.  He also continues to play alto saxophone, and will be taking private lessons from his school band director this summer.

We are trying to keep busy, and stay occupied.  It's not always easy.  Some days I want to do nothing more than go to the cemetery, lay on the grass at Emily's site, and sob the entire day away.  Other days I wake up, go to the gym for an hour or so, and feel better.

I just hope that at some point the good days will outweigh the bad days. 

Two months without our Princess ...

It feels like forever.  It feels like just yesterday.  It feels like a nightmare.  It feels like hell. 

We are having a HUGE garage sale tomorrow, to raise money for Emily's headstone.  We need to raise at least $1200.  We are ordering it on Sunday (worst Father's Day present ever).  We want it to arrive so that we can have it placed on her 9th birthday, which is on October 16th.  We will have a get-together to celebrate her birthday and remember our sweet girl.

We have been asked by many people who are not local how they can help.  I created a ChipIn account for anyone who would like to donate to our family.  The money will go directly towards the cost of Emily's headstone.  Thank you so much!

CLICK HERE FOR THE CHIP-IN ACCOUNT!

Emily, you are SO much and you are SO loved.  I hate this new reality.  I cannot believe the depth of this pain.  :(

How it happened

Many people have asked me about Emily's last week, days, hours, minutes ... and I haven't been able to tell almost anyone.  This weekend, a very close and dear friend of mine (Hi Carol!) asked me and I told her.  I went over the last week, the last day, the last hour, the last minutes.  And it didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would.  In fact, it feel good.  It felt good to talk about her last minutes and explain that they were peaceful.  That she was comfortable. 

(Insert some foul words and screaming here)

I just typed a HUGE entry.  I typed it all through tears and crying and then?  I hit some key and it disappeared.  I literally yelled "Oh no!!" and it's gone.  I will retype it soon, in word, and then cut and paste it here.  I can't believe it just deleted.  :(

Adjusting?

How are you supposed to get used to this new way of life?  Being Emily's mommy is what I am.  It's what I have been for the last 8.5 years.  Yes I am Alex's wife, and Jacob's mom.  But those things are easy and relaxing.  Being Emily's mommy meant being her nurse, caregiver, mom, tube-feeder, catheterizer, med-dispenser, suction-machiner, therapy-doer, chauffer.  So what do I do now?  I have no idea.  I get up, get Jacob off to school.  Come home and do laundry and dishes, and then what?  I watch a lot of bullshit TV that I never watched before and can't stand.  Tuesdays I go to Emily's site and get her solar lights and butterfly decoration, so that they don't get discarded Wednesday.  Wednesdays the cemetery removes all flowers and mows the lawns.  Thursday mornings I go back with new flowers and her butterfly. 

Other than that, no idea.  I don't know what to do.  I re-joined the gym, and started aqua aerobic classes again.  I am watching what I eat, and tracking my food on SparkPeople.com. 

I want to get a tattoo, of the Hello Kitty with angel wings that was on the back of Emily's funeral program. 

I have no motivation to do anything else.  I got all my scrapbooking stuff out and sorted, I need to organize it and put it away so that I can scrapbook.  But I am tired.  Just tired. 

How do you begin a new life?  I want my girl.  I am her mom.  I hate the idea of going three more weeks without her.  Three more months without her?  The next three years without her?  I don't want to meet any new people, ever ... people who will know me and never know Emily. 

I am so lucky to have Alex and Jacob.  Jacob is an amazing, tennis playing, saxaphone learning, 11 year old.  Without him, I would have no desire to keep on keeping on.  Thank heavens for Jacob.

I just want my girl back.  I never wanted this.  I never wanted to tell people that I am the mom to one on Earth and one in Heaven.  I wanted everyone to meet and know my Princess, and see her amazing smile.  I wanted to be her mom and caregiver and snuggle buddy forever.  This is not what I had planned.  :(

Three weeks ....

I can't believe it's been three weeks since our sweet princess passed away.  It feels like a million years since I last snuggled with her or touched her little face.  If this is how horrible three weeks is, I can't imagine the rest of my life.  :( 

I miss you so much, sweet girl.  I have never been anything more incredible than your Mommy.