How are you supposed to get used to this new way of life? Being Emily's mommy is what I am. It's what I have been for the last 8.5 years. Yes I am Alex's wife, and Jacob's mom. But those things are easy and relaxing. Being Emily's mommy meant being her nurse, caregiver, mom, tube-feeder, catheterizer, med-dispenser, suction-machiner, therapy-doer, chauffer. So what do I do now? I have no idea. I get up, get Jacob off to school. Come home and do laundry and dishes, and then what? I watch a lot of bullshit TV that I never watched before and can't stand. Tuesdays I go to Emily's site and get her solar lights and butterfly decoration, so that they don't get discarded Wednesday. Wednesdays the cemetery removes all flowers and mows the lawns. Thursday mornings I go back with new flowers and her butterfly.
Other than that, no idea. I don't know what to do. I re-joined the gym, and started aqua aerobic classes again. I am watching what I eat, and tracking my food on SparkPeople.com.
I want to get a tattoo, of the Hello Kitty with angel wings that was on the back of Emily's funeral program.
I have no motivation to do anything else. I got all my scrapbooking stuff out and sorted, I need to organize it and put it away so that I can scrapbook. But I am tired. Just tired.
How do you begin a new life? I want my girl. I am her mom. I hate the idea of going three more weeks without her. Three more months without her? The next three years without her? I don't want to meet any new people, ever ... people who will know me and never know Emily.
I am so lucky to have Alex and Jacob. Jacob is an amazing, tennis playing, saxaphone learning, 11 year old. Without him, I would have no desire to keep on keeping on. Thank heavens for Jacob.
I just want my girl back. I never wanted this. I never wanted to tell people that I am the mom to one on Earth and one in Heaven. I wanted everyone to meet and know my Princess, and see her amazing smile. I wanted to be her mom and caregiver and snuggle buddy forever. This is not what I had planned. :(