This new stage of our lives is difficult. Trying to continue on with life, attempting to smile when all we want to do is cry. Figuring out the answer when people ask "How are you" or the even more dreaded "How many children do you have?" I've been asked that once so far, and my answer made the lady cry. What a sucky thing to have to explain to someone. What a sucky thing to have to live through.
We struggle on, daily, trying to continue with some semblance of normal. Jacob is turning 12 in a week and a half. He deserves parents who are able to continue living. I am so thankful for Jacob, for all the normal reasons, and then even more so because he gives me a reason to have to keep going.
Life is weird. Life is hard. Sometimes, life just plain sucks.
There are good, positive things going on even through these times of crap. Today was the last day of school. Jacob, who will be 12 next week, is officially a 7th grader now. Yay! He is doing so well. He continues to take tennis lessons, and will attend a tennis academy this summer. He also continues to play alto saxophone, and will be taking private lessons from his school band director this summer.
We are trying to keep busy, and stay occupied. It's not always easy. Some days I want to do nothing more than go to the cemetery, lay on the grass at Emily's site, and sob the entire day away. Other days I wake up, go to the gym for an hour or so, and feel better.
I just hope that at some point the good days will outweigh the bad days.
We used to revel in the "new perfect" that was our life. Raising a beautiful girl with multiple special needs showed us that "perfect" is all in our minds. Emily's life was perfect. It was happy, it was brilliant. She was social, outgoing, silly, and ticklish. Now we are learning to get through life without our "Perfect Peanut" in it. This is most certainly NOT a new kind of perfect.
9 comments:
Sara keeping you in our prayers and sending lots of hugs and love.
Things are so hard after loosing child. We have the same battle when asked how many children we have. I tell them 5. If we have our children with us and they start counting I will continue to to say we have 4 with us and I have a son who passed away or simply (the 5th child is not with us right now) depends on my mood, if I want that sad "I'm so sorry look", or if I will ever see this person again. When my son 1st died I wanted to tell the world. Anyone who would listen no matter if I got "the look of pitty" or noT about his story and existance in this world. As time as gone by I realized it is not as important to me if everyone I come in contact knows of my son's existance. It is important that my family and I keep his memory alive for ourselves. As for going to the grave side, I get it. The 1st weeks and months I wanted nothing more than to be as close to his body as I physcially can. I wanted to lay face down on the ground over his grave just to be as near as I could to him (the ants did not allow this usually) I went to his grave every day. Day or night. I HAD TO GO EVERYDAY. He has been gone for over 2 years now. I can't believe it has been that long! We still go often. We decorate his headstone for every holiday and season. That grave maker is the onlyu tangable thing I have left to take care of and I make sure it looks pretty darn good. :-) You continue to be in my prayers as you and your family try to move forward. Emily will always be part of your family and she always counts.
I think of you guys every day - can't imagine the agony you are going through :(
Yesterday was 23 months since Kristen went to heaven. I have come to the conclusion that I will ALWAYS be a grieving mom. She is in my every thought and that is right where I want her to be. Many days I feel as though I am hiding under a mask. I try to put on a good face for my other children, my husband and my grandchildren, but inside I am still hurting. However, I have found that it is possible to feel pain, sorrow, joy and peace all at the same time. I also had to learn that it is okay to be happy and feel joy. I have also learned that I have to look for the joy. When Kristen was here, she was my joy and she still is, just in a different day. I still go to the cemetery every single day. Some like to judge me and say I should be moving on, but those are the ones who have no idea what it feels like, so I distance myself from those nay Sayers. I have decided that Kristen was too pure,
too lovely, too delicate, too radiant, and too perfect to stay here.
Now I am left here to figure out for myself how to enjoy life once again rather than just enduring it. I know that Kristen would not want her death to diminish my life. She would want me to live better and love deeper.My relationship with Kristen has changed form. I cannot physically see or touch her but I can feel her presence and see her light shining through the clouds. I am constantly looking for the courage to redefine my place in this shifting landscape that is now before me. As I continue to grieve and mourn, as I dissolve the physical bonds that Kristen and our family shared the spiritual and emotional bonds remain intact.
Be patient with yourself. At some point, and it might only be for a moment here and a moment there, I believe you will too be able to enjoy life rather than just enduring it. I think of you often, as now we belong to the same club.
In tears for you over here. Thinking of you, and praying for peace and strength for you and your family! Love and Big Hugs!
I haven't been checking blogs for a few months and I just read this sad news. I am so, so sad to hear of your loss. My heart breaks for you and your family. I will keep you in my prayers.
(((((HUGS)))))
just thinking of you....wanted to stop by and say that.
I still think about you and Emily all the time and am praying for you.
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