Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Blogging through grief perhaps?

I really think I need to start blogging again.  It was always SUCH a release, and although I am on Facebook all the time now, it's not the same.  Getting to just sit and type out whatever is in my mind, share lots of pictures, and just SPEAK, it's something I have been missing. 

Where will I start today?  We have been living without our Peanut for almost 17 months.  That is almost 18 months, which is a huge number.  18 months is a year and a half - 18 months is almost 24 months is 2 years.  And how is it possible that our hearts have continued to beat for 17 months without Emily in our lives?  I thought for sure I would die long ago. 

I still notice people avoid me in certain situations.  People I haven't seen since before Emily died, they certainly don't want to have to have the conversation with me.  People I rarely see, they certainly don't want to ask how I am doing in case I am not "over it yet".  I get this all.  I understand how the conversation might be uncomfortable.  And to be honest?  I am perfectly fine with us passing each other in the aisle of the grocery store and looking at stuff on the shelves, to pretend we didn't recognize or notice one another.  It's fine.  You think *I* want the conversation? 

Oh wait - I know what it is.  If you mention Emily, it will "remind" me of her death.  Because, you know, I forget so often. 

Snarkiness aside, there is not a day - not an hour - not very many minutes that go by without a thought of Emily in my mind.  Everything in the house is Emily (and of course, Jacob).  Her pictures are up everywhere.  Hello Kitty is still rampant in our house.  My master bedroom is bright pink still, from when it was her room.  She needed it, with her trach and oxygen and all her supplies.  There is still a Hello Kitty piƱata hanging in one corner, and Hello Kitty window clings on the closet door. 

It's like learning to live with an amputated leg.  The initial pain and shock wears off, but the lasting pain and affects will never go away.  How do you learn to walk without a leg?  How do you learn to go to sleep at night, without being able to kiss your baby girl?  How do you shop for back to school supplies for your son, while wishing so much that you were doing the same for your daughter?

Life is difficult.  I am living, and I am thriving.  I am taking care of myself finally, for the first time in years and years.  I have lost 67 pounds in the last 7 months.  I got a part-time job.  I exercise.  I go out with girlfriends.  I drink beer and (after enough beers) have a few cigarettes here and there.  But there is always bedtime.  And bedtime is when the mind doesn't let you distract it.  Bedtime is when grief can slam into you like a ton of bricks.  Bedtime is when the day that you were just thinking "was a really good day", turns into another night of missing your baby girl.

And balancing all these emotions is so, so hard.  So today I am grateful that my sweet boy is starting 8th grade tomorrow.  Today I am grateful that it is Tuesday, because that means I can go to my Bereaved Parents group.  And tonight when I lay my head down on my pillow?  I will be Emily's mommy .... missing her with every beat of my heart.  You know, the heart that has somehow continued to beat .....


Thursday, April 4, 2013

Almost a year ....

How is it possible that we have lived almost a YEAR without our Princess?  I don't know if anyone even has my blog on their readers anymore, so maybe no one will see this.  I am thinking of starting to blog again.  About my journey on this side of the fence now.  And I would like to invite anyone that read about Emily to "like" her memorial site on Facebook as well.


Wednesday, June 20, 2012

As it is

This new stage of our lives is difficult.  Trying to continue on with life, attempting to smile when all we want to do is cry.  Figuring out the answer when people ask "How are you" or the even more dreaded "How many children do you have?"  I've been asked that once so far, and my answer made the lady cry.  What a sucky thing to have to explain to someone.  What a sucky thing to have to live through.

We struggle on, daily, trying to continue with some semblance of normal.  Jacob is turning 12 in a week and a half.  He deserves parents who are able to continue living.  I am so thankful for Jacob, for all the normal reasons, and then even more so because he gives me a reason to have to keep going. 

Life is weird.  Life is hard.  Sometimes, life just plain sucks. 

There are good, positive things going on even through these times of crap.  Today was the last day of school.  Jacob, who will be 12 next week, is officially a 7th grader now.  Yay!  He is doing so well.  He continues to take tennis lessons, and will attend a tennis academy this summer.  He also continues to play alto saxophone, and will be taking private lessons from his school band director this summer.

We are trying to keep busy, and stay occupied.  It's not always easy.  Some days I want to do nothing more than go to the cemetery, lay on the grass at Emily's site, and sob the entire day away.  Other days I wake up, go to the gym for an hour or so, and feel better.

I just hope that at some point the good days will outweigh the bad days. 

Friday, June 15, 2012

Two months without our Princess ...

It feels like forever.  It feels like just yesterday.  It feels like a nightmare.  It feels like hell. 

We are having a HUGE garage sale tomorrow, to raise money for Emily's headstone.  We need to raise at least $1200.  We are ordering it on Sunday (worst Father's Day present ever).  We want it to arrive so that we can have it placed on her 9th birthday, which is on October 16th.  We will have a get-together to celebrate her birthday and remember our sweet girl.

We have been asked by many people who are not local how they can help.  I created a ChipIn account for anyone who would like to donate to our family.  The money will go directly towards the cost of Emily's headstone.  Thank you so much!


Emily, you are SO much and you are SO loved.  I hate this new reality.  I cannot believe the depth of this pain.  :(

Thursday, May 31, 2012

How it happened

Many people have asked me about Emily's last week, days, hours, minutes ... and I haven't been able to tell almost anyone.  This weekend, a very close and dear friend of mine (Hi Carol!) asked me and I told her.  I went over the last week, the last day, the last hour, the last minutes.  And it didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would.  In fact, it feel good.  It felt good to talk about her last minutes and explain that they were peaceful.  That she was comfortable. 

(Insert some foul words and screaming here)

I just typed a HUGE entry.  I typed it all through tears and crying and then?  I hit some key and it disappeared.  I literally yelled "Oh no!!" and it's gone.  I will retype it soon, in word, and then cut and paste it here.  I can't believe it just deleted.  :(

Thursday, May 10, 2012


How are you supposed to get used to this new way of life?  Being Emily's mommy is what I am.  It's what I have been for the last 8.5 years.  Yes I am Alex's wife, and Jacob's mom.  But those things are easy and relaxing.  Being Emily's mommy meant being her nurse, caregiver, mom, tube-feeder, catheterizer, med-dispenser, suction-machiner, therapy-doer, chauffer.  So what do I do now?  I have no idea.  I get up, get Jacob off to school.  Come home and do laundry and dishes, and then what?  I watch a lot of bullshit TV that I never watched before and can't stand.  Tuesdays I go to Emily's site and get her solar lights and butterfly decoration, so that they don't get discarded Wednesday.  Wednesdays the cemetery removes all flowers and mows the lawns.  Thursday mornings I go back with new flowers and her butterfly. 

Other than that, no idea.  I don't know what to do.  I re-joined the gym, and started aqua aerobic classes again.  I am watching what I eat, and tracking my food on SparkPeople.com. 

I want to get a tattoo, of the Hello Kitty with angel wings that was on the back of Emily's funeral program. 

I have no motivation to do anything else.  I got all my scrapbooking stuff out and sorted, I need to organize it and put it away so that I can scrapbook.  But I am tired.  Just tired. 

How do you begin a new life?  I want my girl.  I am her mom.  I hate the idea of going three more weeks without her.  Three more months without her?  The next three years without her?  I don't want to meet any new people, ever ... people who will know me and never know Emily. 

I am so lucky to have Alex and Jacob.  Jacob is an amazing, tennis playing, saxaphone learning, 11 year old.  Without him, I would have no desire to keep on keeping on.  Thank heavens for Jacob.

I just want my girl back.  I never wanted this.  I never wanted to tell people that I am the mom to one on Earth and one in Heaven.  I wanted everyone to meet and know my Princess, and see her amazing smile.  I wanted to be her mom and caregiver and snuggle buddy forever.  This is not what I had planned.  :(