Thursday, May 31, 2012

How it happened

Many people have asked me about Emily's last week, days, hours, minutes ... and I haven't been able to tell almost anyone.  This weekend, a very close and dear friend of mine (Hi Carol!) asked me and I told her.  I went over the last week, the last day, the last hour, the last minutes.  And it didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would.  In fact, it feel good.  It felt good to talk about her last minutes and explain that they were peaceful.  That she was comfortable. 

(Insert some foul words and screaming here)

I just typed a HUGE entry.  I typed it all through tears and crying and then?  I hit some key and it disappeared.  I literally yelled "Oh no!!" and it's gone.  I will retype it soon, in word, and then cut and paste it here.  I can't believe it just deleted.  :(

Thursday, May 10, 2012


How are you supposed to get used to this new way of life?  Being Emily's mommy is what I am.  It's what I have been for the last 8.5 years.  Yes I am Alex's wife, and Jacob's mom.  But those things are easy and relaxing.  Being Emily's mommy meant being her nurse, caregiver, mom, tube-feeder, catheterizer, med-dispenser, suction-machiner, therapy-doer, chauffer.  So what do I do now?  I have no idea.  I get up, get Jacob off to school.  Come home and do laundry and dishes, and then what?  I watch a lot of bullshit TV that I never watched before and can't stand.  Tuesdays I go to Emily's site and get her solar lights and butterfly decoration, so that they don't get discarded Wednesday.  Wednesdays the cemetery removes all flowers and mows the lawns.  Thursday mornings I go back with new flowers and her butterfly. 

Other than that, no idea.  I don't know what to do.  I re-joined the gym, and started aqua aerobic classes again.  I am watching what I eat, and tracking my food on 

I want to get a tattoo, of the Hello Kitty with angel wings that was on the back of Emily's funeral program. 

I have no motivation to do anything else.  I got all my scrapbooking stuff out and sorted, I need to organize it and put it away so that I can scrapbook.  But I am tired.  Just tired. 

How do you begin a new life?  I want my girl.  I am her mom.  I hate the idea of going three more weeks without her.  Three more months without her?  The next three years without her?  I don't want to meet any new people, ever ... people who will know me and never know Emily. 

I am so lucky to have Alex and Jacob.  Jacob is an amazing, tennis playing, saxaphone learning, 11 year old.  Without him, I would have no desire to keep on keeping on.  Thank heavens for Jacob.

I just want my girl back.  I never wanted this.  I never wanted to tell people that I am the mom to one on Earth and one in Heaven.  I wanted everyone to meet and know my Princess, and see her amazing smile.  I wanted to be her mom and caregiver and snuggle buddy forever.  This is not what I had planned.  :(

Monday, May 7, 2012

Three weeks ....

I can't believe it's been three weeks since our sweet princess passed away.  It feels like a million years since I last snuggled with her or touched her little face.  If this is how horrible three weeks is, I can't imagine the rest of my life.  :( 

I miss you so much, sweet girl.  I have never been anything more incredible than your Mommy.